How to Set Boundaries | The UI-AS Method
How to be Authentic - YouTube
1) Ever feel like you give away too much energy to others? You have a hard time saying “no”? Do you feel guilty when you do? Do you over-explain things? Ever feel like you get “used”?
At this point, you can admit that you’re uncertain of yourself and unfortunately don’t have a strong sense of identity.
I’m just gonna say it now, that I’m gonna go through giving you the “Unconscious Insight” behind why you can’t say no to people, and why you find yourself drained of energy where people have been involved, and then give you “Action Steps” in between.
Sound fair enough? Let’s go.
The inability to set boundaries makes sense, because people are taught to be polite from a young age, which is actually extremely detrimental.
Keep in mind, this point is something that I only fully learnt while researching for this post, but a child is often punished for making the authority figure feel bad (even though the authority’s actually responsible for their own emotions, regardless of what the child does. This goes with every human being on the planet).
If the authority figure feels bad, the child has been conditioned to associate that as consequentially ending in punishment for the child, and having THEM feel bad.
So, as adults, many people may be afraid of others feeling negative, about anything, in whatever context it is, and so that person tries to be nice or to suck up to whoever’s emotional in order to prevent conflict or a negative atmosphere.
We decide that we should be responsible for keeping peace, because if no-one else does it, the negativity, the anger or the emotions of another person are going to affect everyone.
But then, what you’re doing is taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, and intrinsically implying that you can’t control your own emotions, and that another person can immediately influence them.
Which might sound truthful, as in you might think that you can’t control your emotions.
But you can.
You can learn to completely detach from your external atmosphere, and to be in whatever state that you choose to be in.
For me, and it’s quite relevant to what we’re talking about right now, is a natural and regular state of calm.
Almost perpetual, and constant feelings of relaxation and minimal anxiety…
Being the kind of person who can regulate their emotional state, and both handle and grow from every negative FEELING that they have or thing that they experience or witness.
How’s that sound?
Yeh I know right. Well one thing that you can implement into your lifestyle
Beyond that last huge point that I wanted to make, another thing is that many people don’t accept themselves enough or like themselves enough to be stern with their boundaries.
They’re open to saying yes to things that they don’t want to say yes to, and are open to doing things that don’t align with their personal values, which means that they don’t have the confidence to be themselves.
2) Something that Hamza said was good; people don’t set boundaries or drop people because of scarcity, because they’re used to not finding good romantic partners, not having many friends, or whatever it may be.
And that’s right. The person of scarcity doesn’t realise that this upsets their own mind by making them feel like they don’t have much. It also makes them feel powerless to find new friends, new romantic partners or whatever, and it reinforces the part of their mind that believes that sometimes “life has other plans”.
Which it does, but this belief manifests in a lack of accountability for one’s actions and it unfortunately neglects the possibility that the person has control over their own happiness and over the direction of their life.
3) Similarly, the human need for community means that being assertive seems risky, as the person might respond badly to it and get defensive or offensive. This is the same reason that being weird or standing out is dangerous. Speaking of that, join the Peaky Pines Email Community, because we kind-of, and positively, stand out.
4) How to set boundaries: Here’s the Reconditioning Sentence from the last video where I briefly touched on boundaries. You can repeat it every morning or before you go out to a social event perhaps.
“I’m so glad that I feel no urge to drop my personal boundaries and give in to when people ask for my time or my energy. Unfortunately, many people seem to say that they want to stop giving so much of themselves to others, but then they stretch their private boundaries or start people-pleasing again, as soon as someone wants or needs something from them. Good luck to them. Now, time for the day”.
Another thing is something that I really don’t feel much of a need to talk about, and that’s visualisation.
But I suggest that you do it now, in this way:
Every second morning,
Beyond this, verbally tell your family and romantic partner what your boundaries are.
Then you can tell whatever friends that you feel comfortable with.
This will make demonstrating your boundaries, without words, easier when you’re interacting with coworkers, acquaintances or new people that you meet.
5) One thing to keep in mind, is to be honest. Don’t sugarcoat things when it comes to the boundaries that you want to set, and don’t explain why you have them, if the person asks.
That’s it!
Join the Peaky Pines Email Community, if you wanna receive notifications for more posts about becoming certain of yourself, confident and capable of fulfilling your destiny, whatever that is for you.
AND get access to the Discord Community, to talk to everyone else.
Talk soon,
Riley.
